Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
