I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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