I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
