AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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