Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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