I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
