Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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