FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
