6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
