but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
