He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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