Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
