I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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