Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
