I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
