Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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