I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
