I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
