i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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