I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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