did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
