matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
