i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
