there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Randomize
