you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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