meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
