I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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