i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
