Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
