I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
