3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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