i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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