By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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