Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
