My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
