Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We are two peas in an std pod
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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