Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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