Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
