It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
