lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
