And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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