He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
be right there i have to get my cape
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
