I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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