Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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