my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
