Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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