Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
