I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
