apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's never too late to be topless.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
