i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Watching her eat just hurts me
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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