failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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