I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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