Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
