Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
